"Am I enough?" A question I often ask myself especially when I am self conscious and feeling low. Today, however, I asked back. "Enough for who?"
Clearly, I don't understand why I would care if I'm enough for others. I am barely a shimmer in anyone's eyes, not even an eyelash in others.
"Enough for who?" "Me?" I am barely holding on by a thread most days. I feel like too much. I feel like a burden. I feel tired. I feel..."Enough what?"
"ENOUGH!" I am doing the best I can. That is enough.
~M
Books and movies were my life growing up and as an adult I have found myself reading them less and less.
My mother would read me Little House on the Prairie or the little women during my nightly nebulizer (asthma medication) occasionally id remember my sister and or the youngest of my brothers joining in on the read. Many nights I'd sleep in her water bed. I use to rock myself to sleep in the ocean of silky sheets.
One thing about my family is we had so many books some in multiples of duplicates. My father collected from second hand stores, yard sales, free on the side of the road piles. I don't think we realized how many books we had till I was a teen.
My childhood home was a beautiful Victorian my father turned into a stone "castle" with a tower. 12" ceilings, stunning cherry woodwork/ fireplace, pocket doors in perfect condition, and rocks were pretty much like books, they were everywhere. If my father was a Disney princess, he would be a mixture of Bell and Ariel; as is my sister and I.
My mother's room was in one of the rooms with double pocket doors for lack of knowledge I'll call it the parlor room as it was the host to our library. Three towering bookcases overloaded with books and zoo magazines. I could never just take one. I'd sit on that floor for hours and by the time I was done I was buried in books.
I had my own little collection of books, I had a Barbie book series and a fun Barbie book with sound, I can still hear the seahorse now, Ariel book series. One book I thought was very special and I glued a purple gem to it was called Miranda in the Middle. I think I liked it because it was the only thing in the 90's to have my name on it!
Some stories I believe helped to shape me were not always told to me in book form thought they do exist from books.
Swiss Family Robinson ( movie and cartoon), Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, Anne of Green Gables, Anne of Avonlea, Sarah Plain and Tall, Little women, Little House on the Prairie, Peter Pan.
As the youngest of the 4 I found noone really wanted to play with me. I made the best of it. If I had a cardboard box, my cat Twinkle-toes, and a few scarfs I was golden. We sailed the sea as stowaways on a ship destination unknown for a new life only to be shipwrecked like the Robinson's, I'd rock the box back and forth with us inside it, making waves and wind gusts noises and whistles with my mouth. We would have adventures like Tom and Huck drifting down a river, and we'd fight off pirates like Peter Pan and the Robinsons! Little did I know my Twinkle-toes would be by my side for 21 beautiful years. We definitely had our fair share of adventures and I would not change that or any of those memories for anything.
Some people say they wish they remembered more and these are truely the moments I feel they are thinking about. My curse is I remember a lot more bad memories than good but over time I am finding I discover new memories often sometimes I'll smell something, see something, get deja vu, or someone will say something and it flashes in my brain like a film. I am trying to focus on some really great memories so I can have some sense of balance and hopefully become less focused on negative memories and be more thankful for the good memories I had growing up.
I think this is a great stopping point for me today. Have a lovely day,
~M
Greetings and salutations, my name is Miranda and I am 34 years old, have the lungs of a 70 year old smoker, and at heart feeling like a 13 year old still trying to figure life out. I have been processing my life through aimlessly writing in my notepads for as long as I can remember. I am not going to lie, reading them now as a 34 year old is, for lack of a better word, "cringe". However, I will admit it has helped me express myself even though my grammar and sentence structure was and probably still is lacking. I will try my best to work on this issue with my writings now.
More about me:
I have allergies, asthma, and anemia. (the Real AAA) My immune system is not great I am sick a lot. I was always sick as a child and I struggle with this as an adult too.
My weight has always been a subject topic regardless of if I wanted it to be or not.
I love animals especially cats, I have 5.
I have social anxiety and overtime developed a touch of and agoraphobia due to many factors.
I think I'm funny, creative, and overall imaginative.
I do not have many friends in real life and rarely see any of them as for my family it is tragically broken. I am closest with my sister and that is really all that matters truly; she was practically my mother growing up.
I am married to my husband whom works from home so we see each other all day every day, but if you asked him we don't spend nearly enough time together.
Most of my days I am struggling with motivation to do mundane tasks others deem easy but this will most likely be a subject I touch on in future posts.
I think my first posts I should start with some less dreary subjects, I would like to dabble in my memories of being young, creative, and remembering a time where I would day dream my life away and take an adventure.
I hope this is a great outlet for me to express myself on my 2024 Adventure.
Peace, Love, and Many Hugs,
~M
